I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
