the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
