I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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