trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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