I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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