My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize