Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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