Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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