My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
