we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
