I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
