The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
