All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize