I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
