is wine microwaveable?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
