Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Randomize
