Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Why is there bacon in the couch?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
