I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
The uberlube is also flammable
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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