make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I need to calm my uterus...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
