One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
