I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
