So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
