I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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