life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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