you traded sex for a burrito?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
