So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
