Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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