Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
