paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
