i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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