i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
