i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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