My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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