I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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