I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
