i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
