I can't breathe out the right side of my face
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
