Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I could make wine with my vomit
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize