so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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