I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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