Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
