In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
