you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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