I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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