He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
