And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
