Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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