we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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