omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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