If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
