he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
