dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
No more Irish car bombs ever.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize