Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
