if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Life is so much better after having sex.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
