Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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