No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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