So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Randomize
