the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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