well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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